DeepWave

In a dark dim machine room
Cool A/C in my hair
Warm smell of silicon
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a Solarian(tm) light
My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
I had to halt(8) for the night
The backup spun in the tape drive
I heard a terminal bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be BSD or USL
Then they started a lawsuit
And they showed me the way
There were salesmen down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
Any time of year
Any time of year (backgrounded)
You can find one here
You can find one here

Their code was definately twisted
But they’ve got the stock market trends
They’ve got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
That they call friends
How they dance in the courtroom
See BSDI sweat
Some sue to remember
Some sue to forget
So I called up Kernighan
Please bring me ctime(3)
He said
We haven’t had that tm_year since 1969
And still those functions are calling from far away
Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
They’re livin’ it up suing Berkeley California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
Bring your alibies

Windows NT a dreaming
Pink OS on ice
And they said
We are all just prisoners here
Of a marketing device
And in the judges’s chambers
They gathered for the feast
They diff(1)’d the source code listings
But they can’t kill -9 the beast
Last thing I remember
I was restore(8)’ing | more(1)
I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
We are programmed to recv(2)
You can swap out any time you like
But you can never leave(1)

(substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo)

Brittney loved basketball
Friends and parties too
And when it came to painting
That’s all she wanted to do

She painted everything she saw
Birds, flowers, the sky
Somedays she sat at her window
And painted everything that passed her by

But lately she’d been feeling woozy
Her muscles ached a lot
And her parents got kind of worried
So they took her to the doc

The doctor took a couple of tests
To see if everything was ok
Then the nurse came out with a look of sadness on her face
And this is what she had to say;

"I’m sorry but you’ve got leukemia,"
"You’ve got about 3 months more."
Then Brittney got up and ran out of the room
And slammed the office door

She ran down the street screaming
And cried her eyes out dry
And stayed up all night
Wondering what it’s like to die

Her parents held her tightly
And said, "We love you,"
"We’ll make your last few months the greatest,"
"We’ll do anything for you."

So Brittney and her parents moved to Florida
To live by the sea
Because Brittney loved the ocean
And when she dies, that’s where she wanted to be

She spent her days painting
And horseback riding in by the bay
But one day she met this guy
And his name was Jay

They collected seashells together
And talked about all kinds of things
And then one day while walking
He handed her a ring

It said that, "I love you,"
Which brought tears to Brittney’s eyes
And when he put it on her finger
She began to cry

"I’ve got leukemia, and about a month more."
Then Jay said,
"No matter what, I love you,"
"And no matter what, you are the one I adore."

So they spent everyday together
And swam in the Atlantic all day
But Brittney was getting weaker
And it was hard for her stay awake

So one day Brittney painted her picture
And gave it to Jay
She said, "I want you to remember me,"
"Even when I leave this place."

But one day while they were walking
And searching for seashells in the sand
Brittney collapsed and started to lose her breath
And she said to Jay, "Please hold my hand."

"I love you more than anyone,"
"You are my only true love,"
"But now my time is up,"
"And I’ll watch over you from above,"

Then Brittney’s body was lifeless
As she lay in Jay’s arms
And he sat there all day
And kept her safe from harm

I hope this teaches you a lesson
To tell someone you love them whenever you can
Because maybe they’ll be gone tomarrow
And you wont be there to hold their hand

Fat and docile, big and dumb,
They look so stupid, they aren’t much fun,
Cows aren’t fun.

They eat to grow, grow to die,
Die to be et, the hamburger fry,
Cows well done.

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew,
No one imagined the great cow guru,
Cow Se Tongue.

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred,
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd,
Cows doldrums.

He mooed: "We must fight, escape or we’ll die,"
Cows gathered around, ’cause the steaks were so high,
Bad cow pun.

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate.
Cows are bummed.

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
Cows with guns.

They came with a needle to stick in his thigh,
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye,
Cow well hung.

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door,
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor,
Run cows, run!

He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay,
"We are free roving bovines, we run free today!
We will fight for bovine freedom,
And hold our large heads high,
And we will run free with the buffalo or die!"
Cows with guns.

They crashed the gate in a great stampede,
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed,
Cows have fun.

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap,
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep,
Much cow dung.

Black smoke rising, darkening the day,
Twelve burning McDonald’s,
have it your way.

The President said: "Enough is enough,
These uppity cattle, it’s time to get tough."
Cow dung flung.

The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief,
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef.
Cows on buns.

The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed,
They mooed their last moos, they chewed their last hay,
Cows outgunned.

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers,
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers,
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers,
Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers.

Memo: To all North Pole Staff
Subject: Restructuring at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view that the North Pole no longer dominates the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa’s market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Cranfield School of Management, is anticipated and should take up slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to announce to you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way not from the cold, but form substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load", was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under extreme stress.

As for further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" division:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in the future.

The two turtle doves represent redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French… or at least French food.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources will assure management that from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative, mechanical swans are in order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workplace is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phase out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of- work Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an upcoming oversupply of unemployed Congressmen.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a sample case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop back to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to determine if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

To realise the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.

To realise the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realise the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realise the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage labourer.

To realise the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realise the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realise the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realise the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

Treasure every moment that u have!

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn’t they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF … THEN … ELSE structure: "If it’s snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:

"We’ll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we’ll wash these socks out right now by hand because you’ll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn’t be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who’s ever misbehaved at a neighbor’s house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That’s a local area network of distributed processors that can’t be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.

   
Six minutes to six, said the clock over the information booth in New York’s Grand Central Station. The tall young Army officer lifted his sunburned face and narrowed his eyes to note the exact time. His heart was pounding with a beat that choked him. In six minutes he would see the woman who had filled such a special place in his life for the past 18 months, the woman he had never seen yet whose words had sustained him unfailingly.

Lt. Blandford remembered one day in particular, the worst of the fighting, when his plane had been caught in the midst of a pack of enemy planes.

In one of those letters, he had confessed to her that often he felt fear, and only a few days before this battle, he had received her answer:"Of course you fear…all brave men do." Next time you doubt yourself, I want you to hear my voice reciting to you: ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.’….He had remembered that and it renewed his strength. He was going to hear her voice now. Four minutes to six. A girl passed closer to him, and Lt. Blandford started. she was wearing a flower, but it was not the little red rose they had agreed upon. Besides, this girl was only about eighteen, and Hollis Maynel had told him she was 30. "What of it?" he had answered, "I’m 32." He was 29.

His mind went back to that book he had read in the training camp. "Of Human Bondage" it was; and throughout the book were notes in a woman’s handwriting. He had never believed that a woman could see into a man’s heart so tenderly, so understandingly. Her name was on the bookplate: Hollis Maynell. He got a hold of a New York City telephone book and found her address. He had written , she had answered. Next day he had been shipped out, but they had gone on writing. For thirteen months she had faithfully replied. When his letters did not arrive, she wrote anyway, and now he believed he loved her, and she loved him.

But she had refused all his pleas to send him her photograph. She had explained: "If your feeling for me had no reality, what I look like won’t matter. Suppose I am beautiful. I’d always be haunted that you had been taking a chance on just that, and that kind of love would disgust me. Suppose that I’m plain, (and you must admit that this is more likely), then I’d always fear that you were only going on writing because you were lonely and had no one else. No, don’t ask for my picture. When you come to New York, you shall see me and then you shall make your own decision."

One minute to six…he flipped the pages of the book he held. Then Lt. Blandford’s heart lept.

A young woman was coming toward him. Her figure was long and slim; her blond hair lay back in curls from delicate ears. Her eyes were blue as flowers, her lips and chin had a gentle firmness. In her pale-green suit, she was like springtime come alive.

He started toward her, forgetting to notice that she was wearing no rose, and as he moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips.

"Going my way, soldier?" she murmured.

He made one step closer to her. Then he saw Hollis Maynell.

She was standing almost directly behind the girl, a woman well past 40, her graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump. Her thick-ankled feet were thrust into low-heeled shoes. But she wore a red rose on her rumpled coat. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.

Blandford felt as though he were being split in two, so keen was his desire to follow the girl, yet so deep was his longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned and upheld his own, and there she stood. He could see her pale face was gentle and sensible; her gray eyes had a warm twinkle.

Lt. Blandford did not hesitate. His fingers gripped the worn copy of "Of Human Bondage" which was to identify him to her. This would not be love, but it would be something special, a friendship for which he had been and must be ever grateful…

He squared his shoulders, saluted, and held the book out toward the woman, although even while he spoke he felt the bitterness of his disappointment.

"I’m Lt. Blandford, and you’re Miss Maynell. I’m so glad you could meet me. May–may I take you to dinner?"

The woman’s face broadened in a tolerant smile. "I don’t know what this is all about, son," she answered. "That young lady in the green suit, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said that if you asked me to go out with you, I should tell you she’s waiting for you in that restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test."

Men Are Marvelous Creatures

If you kiss him, he kisses you back
If you don’t, he patiently waits
If you praise him, he says thanks you
If you don’t, he feels secure in your love
If you agree to all his likes, you have met your fantasy man
If you don’t, you still get along
If you visit him often, he welcomes you every time
If you don’t, he’ll visit you instead
If you are well dressed, he says you are beautiful
If you don’t, you are still beautiful
If you are jealous, he reassures you and holds you
If you’re not, he gives you no reason to be
If you attempt a romance, he sweeps you off your feet
If you don’t, he’ll love you from afar
If you are a minute late, he is grateful for your arrival
If he is late, he apologizes and makes it up to you
If you visit another man, he is secure that you love only him
If he is visited by another woman, you are secure that he loves only you
If you kiss him once in a while, he’s appreciative of your affection
If you kiss him often, he will always have you on his mind
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, you know you’re a big girl
If he does, he shows that he’ll always be there for you
If you stare at another man, he knows that you’re only admiring
If he is stared at by other women, you know why — he’s one hot babe
If you talk, he’ll always listen
If you listen, he’ll tell you anything you want to know

In short:

So complex, yet so direct
So strong, yet so supportive
So dazzling, yet so humble
So passionate, yet so marvelous…

Women Are Complex Creatures

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don’t, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it’s natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful…

As we have grown and changed so have our ideas on friendship…

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn’t have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.

6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn’t have to be embarrassed.

8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about.

9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler’s" room, but didn’t laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.

10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn’t wind up being the only freshman there.

11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn’t be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you date to the prom.

13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go…

14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn’t deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you’re scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at the college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!