DeepWave

 A BEST-selling study called The Bell Curve caused an uproar in the
 United States recently by claiming that whites average slightly higher
 IQ scores than blacks. Lost in the fine print was another finding:
 Chinese IQs blow them both out of the water — whites average 102,
 Chinese (in the United States) 110.

 Meanwhile, the state of California has repealed affirmative action in
 the selection of students for public colleges. Racial quotas are being
 tossed out and applicants will now be appraised according to academic
 merit, regardless of race.

 As whites and blacks resume their centuries-old feud, college
 officials caution that merit-based selection will actually hurt both
 races. The real winners are those docile but academically superior
 Asians, now free to run wild across American campuses.

 Are Asians just smarter? Or do they cheat on exams more? What’s the
 deal? As a public service, an Asian and a white American will now
 discuss the issue like civilized adults.

 By the way, if you can’t figure out which of us is Asian, there’s a
 very good chance that you’re white.

 Erik: What garbage — that is the most slanderous nonsense I’ve ever
 read. If I hadn’t written it, I’d sue!

 Adele: Tut, tut, little dumpling. I think your all-American propensity
 for being huffy and going into utter denial is surfacing.

 My father once convinced me that Caucasians couldn’t help being a
 little daffy because they were less evolved — heavy bone-structure,
 fur on the bottom, etc. The fact of the matter is, Asians just happen
 to be more disciplined in school.

 The popular Malaysian opinion is that American kids have no work
 ethic, no culture and no stern parental figures who believe in
 corporal punishment. You won’t believe how conducive a rotan (cane) is
 to academic excellence.

 E: Ah yes, the cane to the bottom. I’m afraid that wouldn’t work on
 whites — our fur would cushion the blow. Being less evolved has its
 benefits. As for having no culture, where do you think the Chia Pet
 was invented?

 A: The Chinese invent paper and printing, their arts originate before
 the birth of Christ, and your kind is taking credit for an
 alfalfa-sprouting clay dog?

 E: And now there’s Chia Head! And we offer lots of other cool exports
 – Malaysians just have poor taste and go nuts over the dumb stuff.

 I’d never heard of Tommy Page until I went to your country, where he
 had once been embraced like a national hero. I even know some
 Malaysians who think Yanni is a respect-worthy human being.

 A: Uh, okay. I thought you’d comment on the discrepancies of
 socialization vs genetics, but I think you’ve given Malaysians a more
 accurate depiction of American mentality than you know.

 E: I imagine a lot of Asians would like to believe they’re genetically
 superior. However, The Bell Curve seems to think that "genetically
 advanced" also means smaller sexual organs. So if you’re a
 conservative Asian fellow who wants to believe you’re born brighter,
 you’ve also got to accept that you’re somewhat less of a man.

 A: Genes, shmenes — Malaysians study hard because we’re brought up
 that way. We have tuition for almost every subject. Some of our
 parents got trashed daily for not memorizing their multiplication
 tables by the age of seven.

 Failure is a loss of face. If you fail, you will end up a car mechanic
 working from a cow-shed in Kajang and your relatives will tell stories
 about you to scare little children who don’t do their homework.

 The impression we get is that Americans are chubby and lazy. They get
 welfare, they get free crayons in grade school and they get to blame
 their teachers for bad grades. You don’t even have to whip Malaysian
 kids into graduating magna cum laude anymore. Most urban Chinese
 mothers use guilt — I think it’s ingrained in our culture.

 E: Believe it or not. American kids who don’t fear their parents don’t
 necessarily become pampered darlings like Tori Spelling. If we’re not
 forced to be academic soldiers, it’s because parents realize that
 grades don’t exclusively determine our worth as people. There’s more
 to growing up than memorizing tangent formulas.

 The most important skill is the ability to think for yourself and
 develop an individual character. Kids shouldn’t be little extensions
 of their parents. Instead, we should be like Pocahontas, and go
 wherever the wind takes us.

 I’m not interested in computer science and would be a miserable IT
 analyst, so it’s convenient that Mom and Dad don’t take this as a
 personal insult. In fact, they actually taught me the radical concept
 that passion for life is more important than achieving financial
 status or outdoing their friends’ children.

 A: Confucius say, all is relative, passion for life may be BMW — Auto
 Bavaria, much good.

 E: Wow, that was impressive. You Chinese are so profound.

 A: You white people are so funny. No, I was suggesting that passion
 for life can sometimes be equated with acquisition. You know, luxury
 condominiums, peach defuzzers, concubines.

 And yes, I know all about narrow-minded expectations; I grew up in a
 girl’s-school where they wanted two things of us: straight A’s and
 female subservience ("girls shouldn’t laugh loudly, it reflects loose
 morals, like the sort prostitutes have").

 I digress. Cultural differences aside, the point of the matter is that
 Asians average eight points higher in IQ tests.

 E: You have to remember that the cultural score is an average, taking
 all regions of the United States into account. Unfortunately, the
 brilliance of northeastern whites is hidden statistically by the large
 number of inbred southerners who count with their fingers and move
 their lips when they read.

 Equally unfair is the cultural bias of the IQ test itself. It’s only
 natural that the Chinese would score better than whites on a test
 dominated by questions about mah jong rules and chop suey recipes.
 Furthermore, before letting concepts of superiority go to your head,
 realize that whites are just playing possum, faking soft-headedness so
 other races will take us lightly. We’ll pretend to be dumb for a
 while, until the time is right for us to dominate the world with our
 genius. It’s all part of our top-secret plan, Tricky Operation
 Resembling Idiocy, or TORI. Don’t tell anyone.

 A: Yes, dear.